Before DJdc
I’m on my second, long-awaited cup of coffee. It’s 10:52AM as I start this. I’ve been up for five hours. The topic that has been on my mind – again – is the freedom vs. death equation.
No, not me. DeadJournalist.com.
I’ve been asking myself what value I derive from this site. Most of the time the answer is an easy one: stress.
I’ve maxed this site out based on my know-how. It’s never going to get better or bigger. Not because of want but because of my own personal limitations. I hate the way the site looks. I hate – even more – how incorrect the set-up is (landing page, multiple URL entry points, bad SEO, not enough design elements, etc.).
I don’t know how to fix those issues/don’t have the resources. I’ve already fucked the site up enough trying to make it better.
If it weren’t for the contributions of the writers – whose time and energy have gone into this site – it would be far less relevant. I’m a hack of a writer with a limited point-of-view. So it isn’t as if my opinion – or style – sets a gold standard for anyone.
I’m also an egotistical, impatient prick. It pisses me off that more people don’t read the site. It pisses me off that results don’t have an instant impact. But most of all I’m pissed-off at me for not being able to make more happen.
I don’t make money off this site. I don’t have celebrity because of it. I’m just the man behind the curtain who likes to pretend that there’s a full house on the other side.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love this site. Five years of me is in this site. But when I see kids damn-near half my age, with sites that have only been around for a year, exceeding what I’ve done … well, maybe I should take a hint.
I’ll be 35 this year. I’m not hip or cool or living the dream. I’m just a washed-up has-been who never really was. Maybe it’s time to face the cold, hard reality that my future is more in getting fat spending my nights watching television on the couch than trying to pretend that my opinion – on anything – matters to anyone but me.
Accepting me without this site would be hard, but maybe it is time to stop living in the land of make-believe and realize this has been one huge fucking waste of time.
I feel ya, dude. Being a writer has always been tough, and over the last 10 years it’s gotten tough because rapidly evolving technology forces us to concentrate more on marketing and distribution and less on the content.
We’re not the only ones:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/21/technology/internet/21blog.html
http://www.zdnet.com/blog/feeds/the-death-of-the-niche-personal-blog-or-not/3703